Ballghazi: I've Had Enough

Source:Wikimedia

 As a fan of the sport of American Football, I find the weeks prior to the Super Bowl rather annoying.  It's the time of year where people who've never watched, played, or even touched a football in their lives, manage to watch about 10 minutes of football in between chicken wings and form an opinion.  Some years I'm lucky enough to have my team in the Super Bowl and then I can enjoy the buildup to the big game.  As a fan of the New England Patriots, I've been more fortunate than most as this will be the eighth time in my life that the Patriots will have appeared in a Super Bowl (Eight! Suck it other teams).  But alas, after a thorough ass-beating of the Colts, a scandal of a most heinous nature broke involving footballs below regulation PSI, sullying my beloved Patriots' good name.

I could list all the ways this scandal is moronic:  The NFL clearly doesn't care that much because they allow teams access to the game balls; this is the rough cheating equivalent of too much pine-tar on a baseball bat; ball PSI didn't part the Colts' defensive line like the Red Sea; or that numerous quarterbacks have come out and said they've doctored balls and that it's a normal thing.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Hey Baltimore, you crab-cake eating, crack smoking, project having, Edgar Allen Poe reading, John Waters watching, Washington DC wannabees. Before you get your panties in a bunch about the Patriots' legal "illegal" formations and tip off the NFL (allegedly) about deflated footballs (again allegedly), maybe you better check yourself.

Where to begin with all your crying...  Every time you lose a game, it's never your fault.  You have the emotional maturity of 13-year-olds. I'm sure Terrell Suggs recovered from that torn achilles in six months without any kind of anabolic assistance.  Let's not forget your Hall of Fame linebacker Ray Lewis with his abundant use of banned-substance-containing deer antler spray or his propensity to you know, stab people to death (allegedly).  Yes I know his plead to obstruction (in a murder case), but I'm sure he had nothing to do with it.  I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the missing white suit on the night of the stabbing. At least the Patriots had the common decency to release their murderer, while you guys rallied around yours.  I would expect as much from Baltimore.  If the North Koreans dropped a nuclear weapon on Baltimore no one would notice.

Don't even get me started with you Seattle. You overpriced coffee drinking, Bill Gates blowing, flannel wearing, pale faced, aircraft building, Space Needle fondling, temperate climate having, twats. Our quarterback's family is better looking than your entire city.  Hey, what team has had more substance abuse violations than any other since 2011?  That's right: Seattle.

You think our coach is a cheat?  How about Pete Carroll and his recruiting violations at USC where they pulled a championship title because of it and then he skipped town leaving for the NFL when it was all hitting the fan.

Twelfth man my ass. Your fans aren't louder than anyone else.  You have a stadium engineered specifically to be ridiculously loud.  How convenient that while your team is exceptionally good at home they are exceptionally human on the road.  That's cheating in my book.  Stupid nerds.  I hope Mount Rainier explodes and buries your stupid stadium in a pile of toxic ash and then I hope you spill your Starbucks on your respective genitalia.  You know what else Seattle? Nirvana sucks.

What it boils down to is all you other teams are jealous.  Yes we cheat and we're better at it than your teams.  Your teams clearly don't love you because they're not willing to make that extra effort.

Did you coach have a team of engineers build a cyborg Rob Gronkowski?  I think not.

Did your offensive coordinator drug the Colts defensive line?  Nope.

Did your team hire the remaining members of the Committee for the Re-Election of the President (Nixon) to infiltrate the Ravens' coaching staff and remove the pages of the rulebook that explain offensive formations? Not in a wet dream.

Show some initiative.  Losers.