My Strategy for Winning the War on Christmas

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We live in frightening times.  As we speak an evil the likes of which has never been seen is threatening our way of life... Christmas.

Every year millions of Americans as subject to credit card debt, weight gain, time with family, rotting trees, and the relentless psychological warfare of Christmas music.  Our politicians fail to recognize this threat for what it is ignoring the rhetoric of Santa Clause himself:

He knows when you've been sleeping.  He knows when you're awake.  He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

That's a not so thinly veiled threat and yet our President is too politically correct to utter the words "radical Christmas carolers".  I believe this is because many in our government are Christmas sympathizers.  I have good intelligence that our President may have even been born in Bethlehem (Israel not Pennsylvania) and his birth certificate is forged.

Fortunately, those of us that recognize the true threat have devised a strategy to defeat St. Nick and his elf cronies.  This war will be executed with the utmost precision.  I can't tell you for sure whether the war will last five days, five weeks, or five months, but certainly not any longer than that.

Phase I:  Economic and Political Isolation

The United Nations, NATO, and other partners in our coalition of the willing (Belize, Haiti, Oman, and Djibouti) must be prepared to enforce a strict embargo on any goods flowing in or out of the North Pole.  The embargo will be accomplished through criminal penalties to any retailer selling Christmas goods including, but not limited to: eggnog, tinsel, reefs, and fruitcake.  Additionally, we must establish a naval blockade to prevent the smuggling of goods and persons in and out of the North Pole.

I have good intelligence that Santa has numerous bank accounts in Switzerland amounting to billions of dollars of ill-gotten gains.  We must pressure the Swiss to freeze these accounts and put financial strain on leading figures in the Santa regime.  Remember Switzerland, your either with us, or you're with Santa.

Phase II:  Protecting the Homeland

In times of war, security must take precedence.  First, no reindeer will be allowed to cross the border and those already in the country will be sent to internment camps until we can arrive at a final solution.  Sausage anyone?

Any elves captured will be subject to enhanced interrogation techniques including water-boarding, stress positions, loud music, and genital electrocution.  We can't afford to subject potential insurgents to Miranda warnings and "constitutional rights".  Those whiny liberals at the ACLU can complain all they want, but another Christmas isn't happening on my watch.

Furthermore, we must remove all forms of pro-Christmas propaganda.  No mangers.  No decorations.  The only music that we will allow to play at the mall from November thru January will be by Lenny Kravitz.  The minds of our youth must not be poisoned by radical pro-Christmas propaganda.

Phase III:  Dirty Tricks

There is a possibility we could end this war before it begins.  As we speak there are 600 Special Forces "advisers" in the North Pole.  These "advisers" are training and arming local moderate indigenous forces including the North Pole Liberation Front (NPLF) and polar bears.  Some detractors who are mostly communists and/or dope smokers, will harp on the various human rights abuses documented by the bleeding hearts at Amnesty International.  Look, the NPLF has engaged in cannibalism and puppy murder, but who hasn't?  I've seen Henry Kissinger drown puppies on four separate occasions while chewing on the thigh of a Cambodian national and he's a damn American hero.  This is war; the gloves must come off.

Our intelligence forces are orchestrating anti-Santa propaganda, spontaneous demonstrations, and targeted assassinations brain matter readjustments against Santa's top leadership.  With a little luck, the economic sanctions combined with our clandestine activities will make living under Santa's regime untenable.  Hopefully mounting pressure on the regime will ultimately result a coup d'etat, something, and then democracy.

Phase IV:  The Air War

Assuming we can't have regime change via a coup, we'll have to force change ourselves.  In a coordinated attack, we will simultaneously launch Tomahawk cruise missiles from the sea and air while using our stealth bombers to take out Santa's air defenses, command and control, and his workshop.  After air superiority has been achieved, we'll use our F/A-18 Hornets and F-15E Strike Eagles to bomb Santa's grain stores and munitions factories back to the ice age.  Finally, we'll use our A-10 Warthogs and AH-64 Apache helicopters to wipe out what remains of Santa's mechanized forces.

Phase V:  The Ground War

I find it hard to believe that Santa will still be around after Phase IV.  Moral at the pole will be low and I'd be thoroughly surprised if his regime hasn't fallen yet, but if he is, we'll have to put boots on the ground.  I haven't decided whether these boots will be Timberlands or Uggs so I'll leave those decisions up to my generals.

The 82nd Airborne Division will be responsible for securing the airport and establishing a base of operation.  We will fly 200,000 troops in along with numerous private contractors and fan out throughout the pole.  Members of Santa's regime will be tracked, captured, and killed.

Phase VI:  Rebuilding

Donald Trump will be hired to rebuild a thriving, secular, democratic, market based, North Pole.  You're gonna love it.

Some of you negative Nellies will say that removing Santa will result in a fracturing of North Pole society.  Detractors will say that after Santa's oppressive regime has been removed the society will deteriorate into a civil war between the NPLF, polar bears, and unemployed elves.  You are unpatriotic pessimists and I for one, refuse to be infected with your negativity.

God bless America and have an awesome Kwanzaa.